Apologize
by DramaQueen50
Summary: Apologize. It was a concept Severus Snape had rarely ever had to consider. He had never thought there would come a day when someone would be special enough to be worthy of his apology. It had come though, and with the swift silence of a deadly serpent. RATED M FOR CHARACTER DEATH!


**Warnings: Major character death; mentions of abuse including substance, child, and domestic; possibility of crying. Rated M for these warnings specifically.**

**AN: I am currently supposed to be engaged in my homework, however while listening to **_**Apologize**_** by One Republic, I was inspired to write this one shot. It's just a little something I threw together in under an hour, so I hope you enjoy it!**

**DramaQueen50**

_Apologize._

It was a concept Severus Snape had rarely ever had to consider. He had _never_ thought there would come a day when someone would be special enough to be worthy of his apology. It had come though, and with the swift silence of a deadly serpent.

The teen dropped his head to his hands, rubbing his weary eyes as he tried to calm his twisting stomach. His whole body seemed to be rebelling against him, the rebellions growing more chaotic with each day that passed. He could barely stomach enough food to keep going in class and his weight was dropping rapidly. His heart would stutter and stop throughout the day, whenever he thought of the _incident_, and his chest clenched spasmodically every hour he was awake.

His conscious hours were only the tip of the iceberg, however, as his nights were worse. Terror-filled, horrifying, gruesome nightmares filled his sleep, stealing into his head and wreaking havoc with his mind.

_His father throwing a bottle at him as he huddled in a corner of the little house his family occupied._

_His mother screaming as his fists turned her skin black and blue._

_The feeling of helplessness he got when the summer replaced spring and the holidays began._

_The absolute terror that invaded his very _soul_ when he set his eyes upon his personal _hell_ of a home._

Past pains were relived each night as Severus tossed and turned, his screams muffled only by the numerous silencing spells that surrounded his bed. Dark circles were a perpetual, unwavering presence beneath his dulled, pained eyes.

For all the survivor that he was, Severus did not believe he could survive _this_.

Inhaling deeply, the teenager pulled himself together. Leaning over the leather clad arm of the common room chair, Severus grasped his bag of school supplies and prepared for defense class and a round of torment from the _Marauders_. A sneer of disgust settled itself on the lanky wizard's mouth as the teen slowly traversed the many halls of Hogwarts castle.

_Apologize._

How, he wasn't sure, but the wizard knew he _had_ to. He was losing her already—his best friend.

His _only_ friend.

Sliding into a seat towards the back of the classroom, Severus scowled as James Potter and his motley crew came crowding in through the doorway mere moments before Professor Renard entered. Shaking his head, the teen quickly procured a quill and parchment piece, readying himself for a day of note taking. After all, the professor had informed them last week that they would be beginning a new unit today.

"Quills away students, I have decided you shall learn the Patronus Charm today rather than begin a new unit." Severus raised a brow but acquiesced with the professor's request, wincing slightly when the student's throughout the room began muttering and chatting among themselves.

Severus stayed quiet; he had no one to talk to after all.

"Now class," Renard began after flicking the desks to either side of the classroom and clearing the middle for demonstrations. "In order to perform this charm correctly, you need to think of the happiest memory you possess. Having done so, raise your wand and call _Expecto Patronum_!" Many of the students gasped as an owl of bright, silvery substance shot from the tip of the professor's wand. Renard smiled softly as he flicked his wand once more and the gorgeous creature dispersed into wisps of silvery smoke.

"Give it a try class, and remember—happy thoughts!" Severus grimaced as he lifted his wand, his mind searching for his happiest memory.

He didn't believe something so pure, so innocent and beautiful could come from a soul as black and horrid as his, but he would try all the same.

A whoop of joy from across the room startled the wizard from his thoughts as a beautiful doe gently walked towards Lily Evans, nudging the fiery red-head's hand with her nose. Snape's heart stuttered as his chest clenched. He felt as though his soul was being burned by the flames of hell as he saw James Potter place a chaste kiss upon the smooth, creamy skin of her cheek. Lily's emerald eyes darted to his for a mere moment, before she pursed her lips and turned back to the ever joyful Marauders.

Severus felt he might shatter at the slightest touch.

Lifting his wand as a memory came to mind; the wizard ignored the tears that threatened to spill from his onyx eyes as he murmured the incantation. His heart ached as a silvery doe identical to Lily's exploded from his wand, softly padding towards him. As the beautiful creature extended its neck to nuzzle his palm, Severus took a step back.

"Don't sully your innocence with my blackened soul." He murmured softly. The doe eyed him critically for a moment before slowly disappearing, disintegrating into wisps of silvery smoke.

The sense of utter desolation that encompassed Severus' soul at that moment had the teen nearly in hysterics.

Breathing deeply and forcing his cumbersome emotions behind his Occlumency shields, the Slytherin spent the rest of his class observing Pettigrew's pitiful attempts to create a Patronus, while his friends played with their own.

The sight of Potter's stag had Severus' stomach twisting itself into painful knots. Turning away from the scene, the teen's thoughts wandered to the _incident_.

Severus sighed. He should have never said what he had, but despite what everybody believed, he _was_ susceptible to emotion. He was only human after all, and like any other creature on this planet, humans were merely animals. All animals reacted violently when wounded, right?

Severus sighed. Somehow, he felt he was trying to convince himself of innocence he did not deserve.

_Likely because that's true you idiot…_ Grinding his teeth together, the wizard swiftly gathered his supplies and fled the classroom as the dismissal was leaving Professor Renard's lips.

_Apologize._

Severus' lips twisted even as his heart clenched and stuttered. He knew he had to do it. He couldn't keep on like this.

He was wasting away.

Sighing, the teen swiftly dropped his bag off in the dormitories, before trudging back to the Great Hall. Sweat was gathering on the teen's hands with every step and his breathing was growing erratic. Gathering his anxiety into one bundle, Severus forced it deep into the recesses of his mind, far behind his shields. Squaring his shoulders, the dark eyed wizard perched on the very edge of the benches, his seat on the outskirts of his year group.

Throughout the meal Severus was hardly able to do more than nibble on his food. His eyes were constantly darting over to the Gryffindor table where Lily could be seen joking and laughing with Potter's pathetic gang. Swallowing heavily, Severus steeled his frayed nerves and stood stiffly.

It was now or never.

Walking over to the rambunctious group with dread in his stride, Severus could only send a silent prayer to Merlin that this work. The closer he got to the group, the quieter the table grew, until finally, Black spun in his seat, setting his glare on Severus.

"What do _you_ want Snivellus?" The aristocrat sneered, his comment immediately grabbing Potter's attention. Lupin seemed to flinch at the mention of his name and Pettigrew was eagerly watching the confrontation with greedy eyes. Severus fought the urge to sneer as he stared at the group of Gryffindors.

"I'd like to speak with you Lily, if that's alright." He murmured as his eyes bored holes into the red-head's turned cheek. She wouldn't even _look_ at him anymore.

"That's _Evans_ to you, Snivellus." Black snarled, his bared teeth giving remarkable resemblance to his illegal Animagus form.

Biting back a plethora of acerbic comments, Severus merely whispered "Lily?"

The witch bit her lip but continued her study of the table, her eyes never leaving the wood. Somehow, that hurt more than anything else these past few weeks.

"As you can see, she has no wish to speak to you Snivellus, so if you'll slither back to your slimy snake pit, it would be greatly appreciated." Potter smirked, grasping Lily's hand and rubbing his thumb over the back of it.

Severus' heart twisted and stopped. His breath stuttered as he felt everything inside him empty.

"Indeed. Thank you for your time Potter, Black…Evans." Severus was startled by the utter coldness of his voice, the complete lack of emotion scaring him slightly. Black gave him a strange look as the Slytherin turned on his heel, marching mechanically out of the Great Hall.

As he made his way back to the dorms, Severus grew more alarmed by the lack of emotion within him. Deciding to keep an eye on the issue, the Slytherin vowed once again, that he would one day have his revenge on the Marauders.

And with each day that passed, Severus grew closer to completing his vow. After two weeks of feeling a distinct lack of emotion—save for immense rage at the group of arrogant Gryffindors—the Slytherin had simply accepted it as a new development in his Occlumency skills. He had thrown himself into his potions studies, and the fifteen year old had quickly amassed a reputation as the youngest potioneer extraordinaire in a thousand years. There was talk of him apprenticing to Nicholas Flamel, though the rumor was never confirmed by the teen. Severus had no plans of apprenticing to the alchemist; no, he had plans for revenge.

Those plans all came to a head the night Lucius Malfoy approached him.

"A little snake told me you were looking for a way to get revenge." The blonde's smooth voice silkily interrupted Severus' reading as the aristocrat sat down on the leather chair opposite the aspiring potions master. Severus sneered.

"What could my petty revenge possibly have to do with the heir the noble Malfoy family?" Lucius tutted as he tapped his elegant fingers against the cover of one of Severus' many potions texts.

"It has quite a lot to do with me, Severus." The blonde purred, the teen's name rolling off his tongue with elegant flair. Severus' eyes narrowed as he gestured for the blonde to continue. "I have made the acquaintance of a rather _powerful_ wizard who is in need of a potions master. Should you agree to work for him after gaining your license, he would _gladly_ help you in exacting your glorious revenge." Severus stiffened as Malfoy's words bounced about his brain.

He didn't _want_ to bind himself to one man, but this was more along the lines of a trade. Severus could always leave when he was tired of working for the man of course. Coming to a relatively quick and safe decision, the wizard ordered Malfoy to set up a meeting for him and the unknown wizard. The blonde happily obliged and as the aristocrat walked away from the onyx eyed teen, Severus had no idea he had just handed his life over to the cruelest, darkest wizard ever to walk Britain's plains.

**xXx**

**22 Years Later**

The poison was effective at the very least, Severus observed with detachment.

It should bother him that his life was slipping out from between his very fingertips, but it didn't.

He should be attempting to stem the bleeding, administering the antidote he was currently carrying in his robes…but he wasn't.

Severus sighed as he stared at the shadowed ceiling of the Shrieking Shack, blood pouring from the multiple wounds on his neck.

He had no reason to live now. He hadn't had much reason before and even as he lay there dying, Severus could not summon enough reason to save his own life now.

_Apologize._

The word rang in his ears, bouncing off the boundaries of his skull.

He had poured out apologies to Lily's lifeless body the night he had found her buried in the remains of her house in Godric's Hollow. He had sobbed and begged and pleaded for someone to give her back to him.

He had done _everything_ he could to save her, but it still wasn't enough.

It never was.

A soft sigh escaped the potions master's lips as emerald eyes entered his vision.

_Harry._

Each breath was coming in a short, wet gasp as Severus lifted a pale hand. His magic was fluttering and fluctuating, rushing to the wounds on his neck in a futile attempt to heal them.

Silver poured from his mouth as Severus coughed weakly, his vision growing fuzzy about the edges. Grasping the collar of Harry's shirt with all the strength he could muster, Severus rasped "Take…them…"

Tears were gathering in the emerald orbs above him as Severus' heartbeat quickened in a frantic dash to the end.

"Don't close…look at me…stay here…don't leave me…please…no no no!" The words were growing fainter as Severus' grip slackened, the poison spreading throughout his blood, infecting his heart and killing his soul.

_Apologize._

A vision of red hair and sparkling green eyes filled his mind as Severus' limbs grew heavier and his vision darker. He could hear her laughing in his ears as her white sundress fluttered about her knees. She was dancing in a field near the park they used to play in, smiling and giggling with all the innocence of a school girl.

_Apologize._

"…need you! Don't…stay! Don't leave me!" Severus knew it was his last breath as he forced his lungs to expand, to fill with precious oxygen.

"I'm…" He gasped; blood painting his pale lips a grotesque crimson color. "Sorry…" He whispered as Lily walked away, her hair swaying in an invisible breeze. Severus' heart thudded to a halt as his eyes dulled.

_Apologize._


End file.
